Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike thinks this story needs a picture
Sun Apr 23, 2006 at 11:27:38 am EDT
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Hatman's Search Continues!
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The Search Continues


Mr. Epitome, striding in to the office of the leader of the Lair Mansion: I have a question.

Hatman, looking up from his paperwork: What is it, Epitome?

Epitome, at parade rest: I was informed that Foxglove suggested that Miss Allen apply to fill in the role of your personal assistant.

Hatman: Kat? Yes. Um, though I think she did it more as a courtesy than anything else. I told her that we were quite pleased with the work she was doing on monitor duty and –

Epitome, interrupting: Exactly. What does that mean?

Hatman, ever polite: I beg your pardon?

Epitome: Just what were you implying by that statement?

Hatman: Implying? I didn’t think anything was implied –

Epitome, growing agitated: Because if there is some kind of slur, or a prank is being planned I do not see the humor in such things.

Hatman, his own dander up: Is your chin-strap too tight, Clancy? There was no ulterior motive. No dig. No slam. No scam. No scheme. (standing) Satisfied?

(The two glare at each other for several moments)

Epitome, changing subjects: I have a possible candidate for the position.

Hatman, sitting back down: Who?

Epitome: Princess Uuuuuukulele.

Hatman: The Sea Monkey? She wants to apply? That’s… well, I’d say odd, but then I remember where we are.

Epitome, expositing: As an exiled member of the Sea Monkey Royal Family her highness is interested in lending her support in this time of crisis.

Hatman: The crisis being the fight against the Parody Master, or the fact I’m chairing the Lair Legion?

Epitome, silent: ….

Hatman: *sigh* I suppose we could set up an appointment…

Epitome, producing a cell phone: Actually, I can reach her right now.

Hatman, objecting as the Paragon of Power punches some buttons: I would rather not do it at this very—

Uuuuuukulele, appearing as a tiny hologram from the beam of Epitome’s tricked out phone: Greetings.

Hatman: Ah, yes, greetings, your highness. How are you this afternoon?

Uuuuuukulele, doing the backstroke in midair: As well as can be expected, given that I have been reduced to being an outcast from my own people. They miss me greatly.

Hatman, ever indulgent: Yes. So Mr. Epitome tells me you heard about the personal assistant job?

Uuuuuukulele: Yes. Though I do have some questions for you first. Can you speak fluent Sea Monkey?

Hatman: No, but we do have a young man here, his name is Cody Harper, he has the ability to speak literally hundreds of languages-

Uuuuuukulele: Our discussion does not involve this Cody Harper, does it? Next question: can you swim?

Hatman, growing confused: Yes.

Uuuuuukulele: How long can you hold your breath?

Hatman, growing more confused: Well, it depends on what hat I’m wearing. With my Dolphins cap—

Uuuuuukulele, dismissively: Dolphins? Repugnant creatures: they’re incurable gossips. Dolphins are the ones that began the rumor that I was consorting with that fin-flopping barbarian Ahbtumor the Warlord. I’m loathe to allow such a beast in my coterie.

Hatman, really quite confused: Wait. What?

Uuuuuukulele: Next question: Are you willing to be depilated? As most Sea Monkeys are hairless, for you to best fit in with my court it would be best if you were the same.

Hatman, realization having finally come: I see. Princess Uuuuuukulele, I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut this interview short. Good day.

Epitome, shutting down the phone and suddenly less cocksure: Hm.

Hatman, staring at him expectantly: Yes?

Epitome, squirming slightly: It would appear when speaking with her highness I made an error in translation.

Hatman, succeeding in not looking smug: It would appear so.

Epitome: I will rectify the situation.

Hatman, nodding: Good (goes back to his paperwork) Anything else, Dominic?

Epitome, eyes burning a hole in the top of Hatty’s head even without heat vision: No.

Hatman: Excellent. Could you send in the next applicant, then, on your way out?







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